Thursday, October 12, 2017

I've been giving a lot of thought to everything in my life, from my career to my personal life, from the way in which I behave to the realisation that I am far too young. 

I´ve never seen myself as a young person, even when I was a kid — that's why I was so serious whilst growing up. I always believed that if I acted like the characters on the movies I liked –especially James Bond – I would eventually be like them. But since I moved here I slowly started to realize that I am in fact young, I mean, I know I am no longer a teenager and that every decision I make from now on is going to affect my future. That last part is something that hadn't really sank in before, and now, I really have this overwhelming feeling that I have to step up my game when it comes to... well everything. I have to be better, I have to act better, work better, speak better, write better, feel better, listen better, love better, care better, I have to remember the vision I have of myself for the future and be better than that. 

I have to understand that all those things I have to do, I have to do for myself, because as much as I like thinking that someone might think of their life and plan for me being in it, I have to start thinking – at least for the sake of argument – that they won't and think or at least try and do the same... 

The problem is that I am not like that, I am sadly incapable of thinking that way, for me life is kind of meaningless without the people you love being there to share all the madness that goes around with. Even if she is not in my life at the moment, my strange gut tells me that I have to keep a place in it for her, because that's what I believe the characters from my childhood would do, because I know that even if my little charcoal heart is all cracked up, I will always feel over the moon every time I look at her even if she doesn't look back.

All in all I feel strangely young and even though I have a strong sense of the consequences of every action I take, I feel whole-fully hopeful of the future, is as if I know that everything is going to be ok, even though I am fairly conscious that ''What ever happens... happens''. 

Although I would love if it were with her.

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